I think of us as lovers who do certain things we like. We don’t know what we ‘are’, and what we ‘are’ doesn’t matter. If we look at it that way, if we just keep that in mind, maybe we can try. You know what I mean, Russell? You have to promise not to get mad at what I do, though. No matter what happens, promise you won’t get angry with me.’ ‘Of course I promise,’ I said. ‘Now tell me how you want me.’ April looked at me worriedly but I was already taking my clothes off, stripping off my shirt and boots. Looking back on it now, it strikes me just how sick I was, how hopelessly insane. I undressed for her the way you undress for a doctor, as if she were going to give me some sort of treatment, and that’s the way I looked at it. For me, the whole thing was like a kind of therapy treatment I needed to be cured, cured of my uncertainties and my doubts, cured of Lexi, cured of my sickness and returned to the real me. Despite what April had just said about sub and dom being labels, I was. "Sex."Whoops. I let that out without thinking about it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to admit what I had done to anyone. Especially Tochukwu. I definitely had feelings for him. How can I share my illicit sex life with a man I was interested in?"You had sex with someone?" he asked, knowing the answer. "Nothing wrong with that." He paused, thinking, I suppose. "With someone you didn't like? You're ashamed of?"That was pretty close. Tochukwu seemed to know me so well, I mumbled, "I didn't know him."He was thinking. "You didn't know him? Had you just met him?"I put my head on his shoulder, too embarrassed to be seen. "There was a party. Just singles. Drinking. Everyone seemed to... I didn't realize it was that kind of party." It's okay," he said patting my shoulder. "I think I understand. You just met the guy, you were drinking, and you had sex?"I nodded my head and started sobbing."Sochi, it's okay. A lot of people have sex when they first meet. It's okay." I'm such a slut," I said. I was.
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